The Bus Ride of XMas DOOM!
by RavenoftheWhite
Summary: CrackFic! Kakashi is given a very special mission: protect the teams of Konoha ninja, in a rather unusual way. Don't let this boring intro deter you. This is a story of crazy, hormonal teenage ninja, gas happy drivers, and squirrel!Akatsuki. Oh joy.


**To get in the holiday spirit I decided to write this happy fic filled with carolers and snowfla—RANDOM LOUDLY SHOUTED INTERJECTION!—Hehe, like I'd actually write a fluffy story. See below for actual description of DOOM!**

**DaReelThang: This is a story of insanity, mystery, testosterone-ized girls, hair-raising escapes, and Really Bad Driving. My inspiration? Have I mentioned I'm a Junior in high school? 'nuff said. **

**Dedication: ME! ALL ME! Because I'm teh awesomeness. Also because I'm a loser and have no one to dedicate this too (**

**Disclaimerzzz: Story idea: Mine. Writing: Mine. Craziness: All me, baby. Characters: Not Mine.**

**Caution: Character bashing for everybody! There's lots of hate to go around. My goal is to thoroughly annoy all my readers. Best way to get established, right? Completely annihilate your fan base. Excellent plan... o.O Also, swears 'cause Hidan is in here, but I didn't use anything too awful.**

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It was a clear, late-autumn morning. Kakashi was walking peacefully through the streets of Konoha, observing the atmosphere around him as he made his way to the Hokage's office in response to a summons Tsunade had sent to him three weeks ago. He'd lately decided being hours late was no longer the gag-joke it had been and, completely lost as to anything even remotely more interesting or unique, was attempting to ramp up the late thing. But back to the present: The wind was rustling through bare tree branches, the villagers were cheerfully getting ready for the Christmas season, Gai was running full tilt down the middle of the street directly towards Kakashi's current location absolutely butt-naked, everything was calm and—wait, WHAT?!

"GREATEST RIVAL! Feel the joy of UNCLOTHED YOUTH! Let us share a DEEP and manly HUG of mutual HAPPINESS!" Gai bellowed out, still charging forward. In his wake, groups of people were running around clutching their faces while little children cried. The buildings seemed also to have magically been painted with tie-die peace signs. Despite this incredibly cheerful sight, most people seemed more concerned with gouging out their retinas with any blunt object within a ten foot vicinity than with enjoying the new decorations.

_AHHHHHHHHHH! Get away, get away, GET AWAY! _Kakashi was almost frozen in terror at the sight bearing down on him, but thankfully decades of elite ninja training made his body react while his mind was still desperately trying to _not_ think specifically about what parts of Gai would be touching him if the currently very un-green man managed to make contact. The silver-haired jonin gathered chakra in his feet and pushed off, flying far, _far_ away from that horrible place.

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"Argh! Konoha 's loud 'is morninglehump..." Tsunade grunted, lying in a drunken stupor on her desk. "SHI'UNE! Wha' time's iiiiiiittttehhhh?" The question ended incoherently, not that it really mattered since Shizune was in her own office, working on the stuff Tsunade was actually supposed to be doing.

Suddenly the Hokage sat bolt upright as a masked figure shot through her window and knocked over the sake-bottle pyramid she had built the night before, sending flying glass tinkling all over the place.

"Ima kill jou!" The busty fifty-year-old shouted angrily, shoving herself unsteadily to her feet and pointing a wobbly finger in the intruder's direction. Or one of their directions, there were two figures she could see, and both twins too. And why wouldn't they stop swimming around like that?

Kakashi regained his balance in midair after his accidental run-in with the pyramid, and managed to land gracefully a good two yards away from the angry and dead-drunk Hokage. This was just not his day, was it? First Gai (The silver-haired man shuddered involuntarily) and now crazy-sexy-granny. He held up a hand in remorse, single visible eye curving up sheepishly.

"Mah. Sorry about that. And about being late. And for ever supporting you becoming Hokage in the first place." _Opps, did that just slip out?_ "Anyways, just thought I'd remind you it's not two in the morning, it's ten. Also that you're no longer on MySpace, so please drop the chatspeak, for everyone's sanity?"

Tsunade sat smartly down in her seat and cleared her throat. "That was all part of my plan to make an actual attacker underestimate me in the case that such an attacker had to be forcefully dealt with."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. _Sure, Tsunade. We all believe ya on that one._

"Anyway. The reason I called you here is because I have a special mission assignment. Don't get excited. I have to warn you, this mission will be grueling, it will be dangerous, and it will test every trick-of-the-trade you've got."

The jonin's interest was definitely piqued now. He waited anxiously for his superior to continue.

The Fifth did just that, while at the same time pulling open the top drawer of her desk and pulling out a manila folder. "Inside this folder is top-secret information I've just received. Good ninjas _died_ for this, and I think you'll know what it means."

She flung the folder in Kakashi's direction but used a tad too much chakra. Kakashi hurriedly ducked, and the folder went whirling violently straight across the room, cut right through the solid concrete, chakra enforced wall, and finally came to a stop when a corner stabbed right through Shizune's heart, in the next office over.

"Whoopsies. Eh, she was a nag anyways." The Hokage shrugged it off, then noticed something on her desk. "Hey look! The top-secret information must have fallen out when I took the folder out of my desk." She held up the torn and bloody scrap of paper to show Kakashi, who noticed there was a Sudoku scrawled in a margin in Tsunade's handwriting.

_No wonder ninjas turn evil all the time, geesh..._ He accepted the damaged paper when it was handed to him and held it up in order to examine it closely. His eye widened slightly as the meaning sunk in, and he quickly scanned the whole sheet twice, drinking in the information it disclosed:

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Secret Leader:__ The FourHundred TwentyThird meeting of the Order of the Red Flower is now called to order. Member Deidara has the floor._

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Deidara:__ I'd like to propose-un a motion that after we take over the world-un we bleach our "clouds" till they're pink._

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Itachi:_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Tobi:__ YAY!_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Zetsu:_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Hidan:__ Damn shizzit?! Y'all hella crazy!_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Kakuzu:__ Our budget's going to be suffering from lack of funding. First quarter figures are already looking down by 4.32 and if you take into consideration the likely economic fluctuations due to the fiscal boundary lacking input finances, it wouldn't be feasible at that current point in the market._

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Sasori:_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Kisame:__ But pink is gay._

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Everybody Else:__ Oooooooo!_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Tobi:__ YAY!_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Kisame:__ That's not supposed to be a good thing!_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Secret Leader:__ All in favor?_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem All-Excluding-Kisame:__ FlowerPower!_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Secret Leader:__ Jolly good. Moving on: I'd like to continue the discussion from last meeting pertaining to how we're going to capture the Kyubi._

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Itachi:__ All those stupid kiddy teams keep messing up our plans. Let's crush them!_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Tobi:__ YAY!_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Deidara:__ Awesome! The only way-un that's going to work is if we infiltrate their base-un: Konahoho or something. The leafy place-un._

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Hidan:__ Damn it, that friggin village bugs the crap out of me, chickenbutt. It's the ninja base for the Fire Country, but it's called Leaf Village? Freaks._

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Sasori:__ Everyone and their mother know our outfit by now. We'll have to go in under cover. Suggestions?_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Kisame:__ Oh! What about we all go in as potholes? No one notices a pothole in the road._

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Tobi:__ YAY!_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Deidara:__ That's stupid-un. Potholes? Everyone notices potholes-un. Seriously. You're walking along a road and one minute you're all on level ground and it's all good, right?, and then, like, suddenly your left foot-un is five inches below your right foot, and you're looking around like 'What is the world coming to-un?!'. It's insanity!_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Kakuzu:__ I'll have to draw up a cost analysis-based flow chart and access the most viable options available to us taking into account our limited cash reserves, the high profile interest consumption on those certificates of deposit I rolled our 401Ks into, and the time-to-profit ratio described by our income brackets._

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Tobi:__ YA—wait! I have an idea!_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Everyone Else:__ Seriously?_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Tobi:__ We should all go as squirrels! They're all over the place so we won't stand out and, best of all, no one ever steps on them!_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Secret Leader:__ I like it. All in favor?_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Everybody:__ FlowerPower!_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Tobi:__ Tobi is a good bo—_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Member Deidara:__ HOLY &$ #& I HATE YOU. –spontaneous combustion-_

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Everybody:__ Finally._

_TheRedCloudsAreReallyFlowersAndWeLikeThem Secret Leader:__ To Kanohaha...Konohuhi...Koni—whatever. You get it. Let's go!_

Kakashi raised his eyes from the scrap of paper and locked stares with the Fifth. "I understand. It's all so simple. The only way to stop Akatsuki...IS TO FIND OUT WHOSE TAKING NOTES AT THEIR MEETINGS! Then kidnap them." He added this last part in a whisper, as if disclosing the greatest plan ever to exist EVER, before grinning, amazed as usual at how brilliant he was. No wonder everyone worshipped him, and where he walked the dirt turned to gold. In fact, the heavens were at this moment blessing his life with riches and gifts, just because he was so incredibly—

"I think you're missing the basic point here." Tsunade interrupted with a mutter, rubbing the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger. She looked up and realized what she'd just done.

The silver-haired ninja was going into shock. His face was blue from lack of oxygen, his eyes were glazed and had dark circles underneath as if his body was already preparing for the many sleepless nights to come. His jaw was slack, and just then his knees buckled and he withered to the floor, curled up in a fetal position, and began whimpering.

"Ah. I mean: your. genius. is. overwhelming. Oh. somebody. help. me. It. is. so. amazing." The woman deadpanned, the words spoken without any hint of emotion whatsoever, like a really bad actor reading haltingly through a script for the first time, like a parrot trying to sing opera, like crackers without jelly, like—

"YOU REALLY THINK SO?!?" Kakashi was up off the floor in a flash, his one visible eye shinning with tears of utter happiness and joy. Suddenly Gai appeared beside the ecstatic jonin and the two men grabbed hands and began skipping around in circles together in a random meadow that had sprung up in front of the Fifth's desk, crying over the joys of youth and—

"HOLY CRAP!" Tsunade's head jerked up off her desk where she had apparently keeled over some time before. She checked her watch. Good, she'd only been out for a minute. She very, VERY carefully looked around the room to make sure a certain green-jumpsuit-clad ninja wasn't about to tackle her youthfully or anything. Broken sake bottles? Check. Hole in wall and Shizune corpse beyond? Check. Kakashi still in fetal position on floor? Check. Okay. Coast was clear.

"PORN!" The Hokage shrieked loudly. Kakashi was instantly on his feet before the first syllable had even finished leaving her mouth. Which was odd, because the word 'porn' only had one syllable to begin with. Whatever.

Looking completely innocent, she continued. "Oh good, you're up. Here's the plan: In order to make sure Team 7, 8, 10, and Gai's Team are safe and under guard at all time, I've ordered each team to meet at a designated rendezvous point throughout the village every morning. They will wait at these top-secret locations for you to come and escort them to Konoha's new Ninja High School. You will do this through the use of a motorized transportation vehicle, specially colored to make it as an elite safety device."

Kakashi's eye widened in astonishment at the gravity of the mission being presented to him. Its equal had never before been seen in the Fire Country. Not even S-rank missions could compare. It was... indescribable. "You mean..."

"Yes." Tsunade leveled the silver-haired jonin with the most serious expression in her arsenal. "You have been assigned to drive a bus filled with teenager high schoolers."

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**Dun. Dun. Duuunnnn. D**

**And so it begins...**

**I wrote this in a one night stint, from an idea I got yesterday. Not bad, eh? Only my second story, but it's waaaaay longer than I was expecting! This introduction was only supposed to be a page long, and turned out being close to seven pages :D Awesome! Unless it sucks, in which case, not awesome.**

**There are going to be lots more chapters (hopefully) and the above is mild compared to what I have in store...I think...Muwhahaha.**

**Review for inspired writer and faster updates! (-hears all readers groaning at unoriginal plug- I know, I know, barely my second story and I'm already begging for reviews. But they feed my **_**soul**_**. My **_**soul**_**, man.)**


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